Allow for differences

He’s rational. He wants examples of the problem and wants to focus on and find a solution.

She wants to talk about how she feels.

He wants to sit in front of the television and click the remote control.

She wants to cuddle on the couch and look into his eyes.

He deals with his stress by playing basketball with his friends, tinkering with the car, or going for a hike.

She wants to go to a movie, preferably one that makes her cry.

I spent much of my life thinking that men and women— and generally all people—should just be the same. It took me a long time to realize that while we have much in common with other people, we’re each unique.

It took me even longer to realize that the practical application of this meant I had to learn to allow for differences between the people I loved and myself.

Just because we have something in common with someone, and might even think we’re in love, doesn’t mean that each person is going to respond and be the same.

So often in our relationships, we try to get the other person to behave the way we want. This forcing of our will on them will ultimately become a great strain. It can also block love. When we’re trying to change someone else, we overlook his or her gifts. We don’t value the parts of the person that are different from us, because we’re too busy trying to change the person into someone else.

Allow for differences, but don’t just allow. Appreciate the differences. Value what each person has to offer and the gifts each person can bring.

Learn to say whatever, with a spark of amusement and curiosity, when someone isn’t the same as you. Try getting a kick out of the unique way each person approaches life.

God, help me understand the rich gifts that letting go of control will bring to my life.

Activity: This activity is designed to help you allow for and appreciate the differences between you and someone important in your life. That important someone might be a child, a spouse, a best friend, a colleague, or a parent. The purpose of this activity is to promote awareness. Make a list in your journal. Put your name on top of it. Next to your name, put the other person’s name. Now, list what’s different and what’s the same about you and the other person. Maybe some of the things that are different are attributes you’d like to attain for yourself. Maybe not—maybe the differences are simply that—different ways of coping with and responding to life. Maybe your ideals and behaviors are truly incompatible and being around this person just isn’t acceptable for you. At the least, this list should give you some ideas for areas where you could practice letting go.

From the book: More Language of Letting Go

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