Many professionals and experts in mental health agree that unresolved loss and grief
create the biggest barriers to experiencing joy and peace in our lives now.

After studying the subject of codependency for over 30 years, I’ve concluded grief
comprises and contributes many dysfunctional behaviors we attribute to codependency.

While this list is long, it can trigger awareness of all the different curve ballsand losses we
can experience. It becomes easy to write off experiences saying, That’s just how Life is. It
may be (just how Life is) but still these losses create feelings that we can carry inside for a
lifetime, unaware of how much they affect what we do and how we feel today.

I’m not suggesting we wear black, mourn
indefinitely, or sit Shiva for the next five years. I do hope, however, that you acknowledge
any feelings you have, then release them into that mystical dumping grounds in the ethers
where felt and released emotions go.

Set yourself free from the traps of the past that ruin or dim the peace and good feelings —
and functional behaviors — available to you now.

Commit to yourself. Just as many of us Spring house clean, take this opportunity to whiteglove
clean your emotional turf. Clear out old feelings and losses. Prepare your house for
all the blessings Life has in store for you.

The following checklist comes from the book The Grief Club, altered and slightly
condensed. While Hazelden doesn’t allow downloading these free chapters, it’s okay to
print this checklist of losses. It will make it easier to work with.

Download and print the below checklist here.

---

MASTER LOSS CHECKLIST

from

The Grief Club:
The Secret To Getting Through All Kinds Of Change

by Melody Beattie

(Published by and posted with permission from Hazelden)

Following is a list of possible losses, changes, and passages. Scan it. Put a check mark by any losses or changes that apply to your life. Mark losses that happened in the past and changes or losses occurring now. If you’ve experienced a loss but feel at peace with it, put a “P” by that loss.*

Some losses, such as a serious physical impairment or the death of a child, will stay with us all our lives. Put an “O” by any loss you feel is ongoing. Only you can decide if a particular loss will affect you and for how long. (You may be marking your losses with more than one letter. Use as many letters as you need to accurately describe your grief)

Put an “H” by any loss that now hurt. If you want, use the same rating scale that doctors use to assess physical pain. On a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being the least and 10 being the most severe, mark how much that loss hurts on your best days and how much it hurts on your worst. Do you have any days that are pain-free? How many each month?

If you see losses on the list that you haven’t dealt with, mark those with an “F” for frozen.

If a loss has caused you trauma, mark it with a “T.” Only you can decide how traumatic a loss is.

We can lose tangible things like a person or house, and intangible things like self-esteem, innocence, and feeling safe in the world. There are unclear or fuzzy losses, psychotherapist Pauline Boss writes in her book Ambiguous Loss. Those losses can confuse us. Mom comes home every night, but she isn’t really there because she’s drunk. Or we’re immigrants to a new country, receiving all the gains the move to that country brings but we’ve lost the traditions, values, culture, and family contacts that we had in our homeland. Because we’ve gained something, we may not see what we’ve lost, or we may think we’re complaining unnecessarily for having feelings about what’s gone. We need to give ourselves permission to grieve and to feel our loss – whether we intellectually think it qualifies as a loss or not.

Losses often come with welcomed change such as the loss of freedom or loss of a good night’s sleep that happen when we have children. “I haven’t been able to watch a football game from start to finish for five years,” one father said. “I love my children. But I miss watching sports on Sunday afternoons.” We may go through grief when there are changes at work, even if the reorganization is good. Most people agree that all change brings loss. That’s how Life works. There are losses involved with expected life passages such as moving from childhood into adulthood, marriage, old age, and ultimately, death.

A woman who is more in love with her husband than anyone I’ve met pulled me aside a few months after her wedding. She married later in life, in her mid-thirties at the time. “If I get up to go to the bathroom, he asks where I’m going. He expects me to go to bed at the same time he does. I’ve been a single woman for a long time. I love him, but I feel like I’ve lost my freedom. I can’t even sit, space out, and watch my favorite shows on television when I come home after a hard day’s work and not talk for a while. He’s waiting for me to tell him about my day. Nobody told me it was going to be like this. I love him,” she said, “but losing my freedom is driving me crazy. Somebody ought to write a book.” She’s hoping to find a way to balance her need to take care of herself with her need to respond lovingly to her husband. There are normal expectations for people in a live-in relationship such as calling if we’re going to be late or sharing the remote control, things that aren’t expected when we live alone. Sometimes awareness is all we need to ease our passage through the change. There are advantages—blessings and gifts—and limitations with each stage of life.

A loss may be personal, affecting only one person—us. Sometimes our losses also affect other people. A child’s death affects his or her family, friends and neighbors — each in his or her own way. A child’s death hits close to home — too close for many of us. It triggers our vulnerability. Some losses affect an entire community. Sometimes a country or the globe grieves after a natural disaster or a war. En masse, we grieved over the death of Mother Theresa, Princess Diana, and President John F. Kennedy. We each had our feelings, but we grieved together. The losses were personal, but cultural too. Sometimes the passing of one person symbolizes the passing of an era (as when Johnny Carson retired and then died or Phil Donahue’s talk show ended). Another category of losses accompany the natural evolution and the changes that take place in cultures, countries, and the world as times, ways, music, fashion, entertainers, and art change.

Each person grieves in his or her way, pace, and time. We’ll each find our path to peace – if we want to. Losses that might be minor to an adult can impact a teenager or child differently and often more (or less) intensely. Losses that cause minor distress to one person can be major for someone else. We are the only ones who know how we feel.

Some losses cause more pain than others. But even if we’ve gone through the worst loss, other losses still hurt, and it doesn’t help to play the my pain is worse than yours game. Experiencing a catastrophic loss may make other losses feel insignificant and overwhelming at the same time. I’ve already been through so much. It’s too much to lose anything else, we think. But this is nothing compared to what I’ve been through.

Current losses usually activate pain from other losses. A friend took me on a tour of the building where she works. She heads an organization that helps people with HIV/AIDS. On the wall are pictures of people who died. Attending funerals is part of her job, she explained. “I don’t get used to the death,” she said. “Pain doesn’t become routine. There’s a room in my heart that holds the grief from all the people I’ve lost. When someone else dies, I feel the pain from all the other losses as well as the pain I’m feeling from the loss now. I find myself right back in that room.”

How full is that room in your heart? Do you have the courage and willingness to find out? Make a list of your losses now.

Frozen, denied, or repressed emotions from unresolved grief cause the biggest blocks to feeling happy and peaceful now, experts such as John Bradshaw say. Many losses we overlook, thinking, “That can’t possibly be a real loss.” Yes, it probably is – or was. Some losses we aren’t aware of, because we never had it to begin with, such as a Mother or Father’s love. So we don’t know we lost it, because it was never there. If you want to do some work on yourself that will give you one of the biggest payoffs from any work you’ve ever done, go through the following list, mark each loss, and begin letting the old emotions go.

LOSS CODES

Mark Each Loss With As Many Letters As You Need to Describe It

P = Peaceful about loss now – at peace with life and changes.

H = Hurting from loss now. Rate pain from 1 – 10 with 1 least, 10 worst pain possible.

O = Ongoing loss; may hurt from it for a while or throughout life.

T = Traumatic loss, serious shock involved.

F = Frozen loss, haven’t dealt with loss or change yet. Still denying or carrying it around.

___Death of a child, spouse, or close family member

___ Child, spouse, or loved one is in the process of dying

___ Miscarriage

___ Stillbirth

___ Death of other loved ones (death significantly affects us)

___ Death of someone (loss somewhat affects us)

___ In the process of our own death (imminent, pending, know approximate death date)

___ In the process of our own death and leaving minor children behind

___ Abortion (we’re the mother)

___ Abortion (our child—we’re the father)

___ Unwanted child (we’re the unwanted child)

___Unwanted pregnancy (us)

___ Unwanted pregnancy (our child)

___Unwanted pregnancy (someone we love)

___ Suicide (someone we love)

___ Murder (someone we love)

___ Suicide attempt, failed (us)

___ Suicide attempt, failed (someone we love)

___ Abduction/kidnapping (us)

___ Abduction/ kidnapping (someone we love)

___Missing child

___ Missing adult

___ Death of a pet

___ Loss of a pet

___ Placed a child for adoption

___ Were placed for adoption

___ Adopting a child who has unexpected mental or physical issues

___ Inability to get and sustain adequate insurance

___ Chronic illness (us)

___ Chronic illness (someone we love)

___ Living with the possibility of onset or recurrence of serious illness (Huntington’s disease, cancer, etc., for us)

___ Living with the possibility of onset or recurrence of serious illness (someone we love)

___ Waiting for test results for serious illness (us)

___ Waiting for test results for serious illness (someone we love)

___ Unable to get proper medical diagnosis (us)

___Unable to get proper medical diagnosis (someone we love)

___ Intractable pain (us)

____Intractable pain (someone we love)

____ Unable to get proper treatment for intractable pain (us)

____ Unable to get proper treatment for intractable pain (someone we love)

____ Living with a potentially fatal or serious illness (us)

____ Living with a potentially fatal or serious illness (someone we love)

____ Permanent or long-term illness that impacts quality of life or ability to function (us)

____ Permanent or long-term illness that impacts qualify of life or ability to function (someone we love)

____ Ill spouse/ partner who requires temporary caretaking

____ Ill spouse/ partner who requires long-term caretaking

____Ill family member who requires temporary caretaking

____ Ill family member who requires long-term caretaking

____ Illness as a child that affected our school or social participation

____ Ill child with special needs (our child)

____ Debilitating illness in ourselves that requires temporary caretaking

____ Debilitating illness in ourselves that requires permanent or long-term caretaking

____ Visually impaired (us)

____ Visually impaired (someone we love or a child)

____ Hearing impaired (us)

____ Hearing impaired (someone we love or a child)

____ Physically impaired temporarily (someone we love or a child)

____ Physically impaired permanently (someone we love or a child)

____ Surgery (someone we love or a child)

____ Improper medical treatment that made injury or illness worse (us)

____ Improper medical treatment that made injury or illness worse (someone we love)

____Accident (us)

____ Accident (someone we love)

____ Accident with long-term or permanent injury (us)

____ Accident with long-term or permanent injury (someone we love)

____ Loss of one or both breasts

____ Loss of ability to bear children or to impregnate

____ Loss of a limb or body part

____ Loss of use of a limb temporarily

____ Loss of use of a limb permanently

____ Had an organ transplanted in us

____ STD (have one)

____ STD (spread one to someone else)

____ Illness that carries perceived stigma (us)

____ Illness that carries perceived stigma (someone we love)

____ Illness that is contagious permanently (us)

____ Illness that is contagious permanently (someone we love)

____ Illness that is temporarily seriously contagious (us)

____ Illness that is temporarily seriously contagious (someone we love)

____ War (our country involved with war or we feel the impact of this war)

____ Actively participating in war (us)

____ Actively participating in war (someone we care about)

____ War taking place in our country

____ Natural disaster without personal losses (affects our community or those we care about; somehow we feel the impact although we didn’t lose anything)

____ Natural disaster with personal losses

____ Terrorism that affects or threatens us

____ Terrorism that directly affects or threatens someone we love

____ Death of beloved leader or president

____ Death of a hero, favorite figure, or entertainer

____ Loss of irreplaceable possessions (photos, sentimental gifts)

____ As a child, had adult household/ family duties and responsibilities

____ Adult with more than our share of household/ family duties and responsibilities

____ Single parent (by choice)

____Single parent (forced on us)

____ Married or with partner, but partner doesn’t hold up his or her share of responsibilities for child raising

____ Married or with partner, but partner doesn’t hold up his or her share of family/ household responsibilities

____ Victimized by business or charity scam

____ Brainwashed or trapped by group or cult (us)

____ Brainwashed or trapped by group or cult (someone we love)

____ Abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional (us as child)

____ Abuse-physical, sexual, or emotional (us as child by family member)

____ Abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional (one or more of our children)

____ Abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional (one or more of our children by a family member)

____ Abuse——physical, sexual, or emotional (us as adult)

____ Abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional (us as adult by family member)

____ Abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional (our adult child)

____ Abuse perpetrator (us as adult)

____ Abuse perpetrator (us as child)

____Rape (our child)

____ Rape (our child by family member)

____ Rape (us as child)

____ Rape (us as child by family member)

____ Rape (our adult child)

____ Rape (our adult child by family member)

____ Rape (us as adult)

____ Rape (us as adult by family member or friend)

____ Rape or incest perpetrator (us as minor)

____ Rape or incest perpetrator (us as adult)

____ Assault (on us)

____ Assault (on someone we love)

____ Being stalked (we’re the victim)

____ Being stalked (someone we love is the victim)

____Stalking someone (we’re the perpetrator)

____ Stalking someone (someone we love is the perpetrator)

____Robbery (we’re the victim)

____ Burglary (we’re the victim)

____ Crime committed against us (by stranger)

____ Crime committed against us (by someone we trusted or a friend)

____ Criminal behavior, parole, probation, imprisonment, execution (by or of us)

____ Criminal behavior, parole, probation, imprisonment, execution (by or of our child)

____ Criminal behavior, parole, probation, imprisonment, execution (by or of someone we care about or love)

____ Innocent but accused or convicted of a crime (us)

____ Innocent but accused or convicted of a crime (our child)

____ Innocent but accused or convicted of a crime (someone we love or a family member)

____ Caused the death of another human being inadvertently accidentally, in war, in self-defense, or as part of a job (for instance, law enforcement)

____ Caused the death of another human being intentionally (not in a war or as part of a job)

____ Caused serious harm to another human being inadvertently or accidentally, in war, in self-defense, or as part of a job

____ Caused serious harm to another person deliberately

____ Divorce (our own)

____ Divorce (our parents)

____ Divorce of a friend or relative (divorce affects our relationship with him or her)

____ Became a stepparent

____ Became a stepchild

____ Loss of a stepparent

____ Loss of a stepchild

____ Loss of presence of one or both of our parents in our life (as a child)

____ No contact with our family (as an adult)

____ No contact with extended family (as a child, for instance, grandparents missing)

____ No contact with extended family (as an adult)

____ Loss of contact with a child (when child is a minor)

____ Loss of contact with a child (when child is an adult)

____ Loss of custody of a child

____ Loss of foster child or child we’ve been caring for

____ Severely dysfunctional relationship (with family member, friend, or loved one)

____ Divorce (our grown child/children)

____ Loss of relationship with son or daughter-in-law who we treasured

____ Loss of relationship with mother or father-in-law who we treasured

____ Divorce of adult child/children which will impact or sever our relationship with grandchildren

____ Raising our grandchildren or a child we didn’t plan to raise

____ Adult child/ children moved back into home after we had become used to them being gone

____ Separation (our own)

____ Separation (our parents)

____ End of romantic relationship

____ Broken engagement

____ End of friendship

____ Change in friendship (one person moves, gets married)

____ Someone we love marries or dates someone we don’t like

____ Marrying or dating someone who someone we love dislikes

____ Arguing, hostility with spouse

____ Arguing, hostility with romantic relationship

____ Arguing, hostility with family member or child

____ Arguing, hostility with friend or neighbor

____ Marriage dead but still in it

____ Romantic relationship dead or ending but still in it

____ Dissension with co—worker

____ Major disappointment

____ Move within same city

____ Move to another city or state

____ Move to another country

____ Loss of home or living situation

____ Inability to find right living situation

____ Having an affair (us)

____ Having an affair (spouse or committed partner)

____ Suspect partner or spouse of having an affair

____ Spouse or partner suspects us of having an affair

____ Having an emotional, not physical affair with someone (us)

____ Having an emotional, not physical affair with someone (spouse or partner)

____ Romantic partner or spouse left us for another person

____ We left romantic partner or spouse for another person

____ Bankruptcy

____ Serious financial problems (still able to work, problems fixable)

____ Serious financial problems (elderly or otherwise unable to work, problems difficult to resolve)

____ Financially unstable (us)

____ Financially unstable (a partner, someone we love, someone whose financial instability affects us)

____ Loss of retirement funds, savings, or investments (us)

____ Loss of retirement funds, savings, or investments (someone we love)

____ Compulsively going into debt (us)

____ Compulsively going into debt (someone we love or someone who’s financial situation affects us)

____ Problems with the IRS or any difficult tax situation

____ Audit by the IRS

____ Loss of credit

____ No credit

____ Loss of reputation

____ Slander or libel (against us)

____ Slander or libel (by us against someone)

____ Identity theft

____ Credit card theft or loss

____ Wallet or purse loss

____ Loss of valuable item

____ Suing someone

____ Someone suing us (legitimate claim)

____ Someone suing us (fraudulent claim)

____Someone bringing false charges against us (criminal)

____Prosecuting someone else

____ Bringing false charges against someone else

____ Prejudice or discrimination (against us)

____ Prejudice or discrimination (by us)

____ Ashamed of something we did or that happened to us

____ Ashamed of something family member or loved one did or that happened to him or her

____ Loss of integrity

____ Lying to someone

____ Being lied to

____Manipulating someone

____Being manipulated

____Controlling someone

____Being or feeling controlled

____Deprived of ability to freely be who we are

____Deprived of freedom of self-expression

____Deprived of freedom of creative expression

____Deprived of ability to feel and express emotions

____Creatively stuck or blocked

____Deprived of ability to travel (health, marital, financial, or familial restrictions)

____ Loss of joy (enraged, disappointed, or bitter)

____ Loss of passion

____Loss of energy and vitality

____Loss of enthusiasm

____Loss of hope

____ Loss of love (others for us)

____ Loss of love (us for others)

____ Loss of self-esteem

____ Loss of self—confidence

____ Loss of fun or pleasurable activities

____ Loss of membership or participation in club or group

____ Unable to decorate our living situation in pleasing way

____ Loss of important recreational activity

____ Restricted from important or valued activities (as a child)

____ Restricted from important or valued activities (as an adult)

____ Restrictions on a loved one’s activities that affects us

____ Feel like a failure

____ Deprived of feeling blessed by God

____ Loss of faith in God

____ Significant change in religion, spirituality or religious beliefs

____ Loss of faith in ourselves

____ Loss of innocence

____ Living with guilt (us)

____ Living with guilt (someone we love)

____ Someone we love has lost innocence, faith, self-esteem, reputation, joy, or self-confidence

____ Doing something that violates our ethics or standards

____ Someone we love does something that violates our ethics or standards, and it affects us (e.g., friend is having an affair and we know friend’s spouse)

____ Stress (outer or inner—us)

____ Stress (outer or inner—someone we love)

____ Meanness, bitterness, or holding grudge (us)

____ Meanness, bitterness, or holding grudge (someone we love)

____ Someone has a grudge against us

____ Someone is telling lies or spreading rumors about us

____ Spreading rumors or lying about someone else

____ Loss of quality of life due to deep and extended grief (us)

____ Loss of quality of life due to deep and extended grief (someone we love)

____Contaminated environment, toxins (home, apartment, ground, neighborhood)

____ Hurting someone’s feelings intentionally

____ Hurting someone’s feelings accidentally

____ Someone is hurting our feelings intentionally

____ Someone is hurting our feelings accidentally

____ Feeling denied or deprived of someone or something we really want

____ Cannot read (us) ·

____ Cannot read (a loved one who should be able to read at his or her age)

____ Cannot write (us)

____ Loved one who can’t write (and should be able to at his or her age)

____ Loss of purpose

____ Loss of feeling needed

____ Loss of job

____ Loss of ability to work (due to age, health, or circumstances, including people in entertainment, in modeling, or with sports career)

____Loss of interest in career or vocation

____ Fired from job (our fault)

____ Fired from job (not our fault)

____ Hour, salary, or benefit reduction at work

____ Extensive necessary work travel (us)

____ Extensive necessary work travel (someone we love)

____ Working more hours than usual or desired (us)

____Working more hours than usual or desired (someone we love)

____ Major change at job (policies, duties, role, leadership, business function, etc.)

____Cannot find job, career, or vocation we enjoy or like

____ Bored with job, work, or career

____Cannot find work

____ Business failed

____ Business barely making it on ongoing basis, stressful

____ Failed important test (school or work, e.g., bar exam, pilot or nurse licensure)

____ Failed to make team (sports)

____ Feeling trapped by family business or career expectations

____Trapping someone with business or career expectations

____ Business outdated due to cultural evolution or corporate competition (family stores, etc.)

____ Lost crops or products due to acts of nature or God

____ Creative work failed or rejected

____ Loss of important contract or job (if in business for ourselves)

____ Loss of important, hard-to-replace documents, papers, etc.

____ Someone we love lost important documents, papers, etc., and it affects us if

____ Uninsured loss (minor)

____ Uninsured loss (catastrophic)

____ Business failed due to competition

____ Loss of lease on business premises or forced out of business due to rent increase or fire/ flood/ earthquake damage

____Deprived of wanted promotion

____ Lost important award or victory

____ Someone we love lost important award or victory

____ Failure or blunder at work

____ Failure at school

____ Failure to graduate from high school

____ Loss of favorite teacher, boss, or co—worker

____ Loss of valued neighbor or employee at business we frequent

____ Inability to get desired education due to finances or rejection from school

____ Death of dreams

____ Significant change or loss in financial situation

____ Significant change or loss in partner’s, spouse’s, or roommate’s financial situation

____ Significant change in grown child’s financial situation

____ Significant change in friend or other family member’s financial situation

____ Learning disability (us)

____ Learning disability (our child)

____ Learning disability (someone we love)

____ Alcoholism, addiction, eating disorder, gambling addiction, uncontrollable rage (us)

____ Alcoholism, addiction, eating disorder, gambling addiction, uncontrollable rage (close family member or loved one)

____ Alcoholism, addiction, eating disorder, gambling addiction, anger management problems (our child)

____ Loss of childhood or ability to be a child

____ Codependency (us)

____ Codependency (someone we love)

____ Phobia that restricts (us)

____ Phobia that restricts (someone we love, and it affects us)

____ Sabotaging or failure behaviors (us)

____ Sabotaging or failure behaviors (someone we love)

____ Living in a country and can’t speak the language

____ Living in a country and don’t like or fit into the culture

____ Mental illness (us)

____ Mental illness (our child, young or adult)

____ Mental illness (someone we love)

____ Living with a person who is sloppy or unclean

____ Living with our own messiness

____ Living with someone else’s uncontrollable clutter or pack-ratting

____ Living with our own uncontrollable clutter or pack-ratting

____ Living with a miserly or cheap person

____ Living with our own stinginess or money fear

____ Financially dependent on someone else

____ Someone else is financially dependent on us (other than our minor children)

____ Depression, anxiety, panic disorder, manic depression, OCD, (obsessive-compulsive disorder), ADD (attention deficit disorder), ADHD (attention-deficit/ hyperactivity disorder) (us)

____ Depression, anxiety, panic disorder, manic depression, OCD, ADD, ADHD (our child)

____ Depression, anxiety, panic disorder, manic depression, OCD, ADD, ADHD (someone we love)

____ Inability to get medications or medical care due to insurance restrictions, financial limitation, or limited resources (us)

____ Inability to get medications or medical care due to insurance restrictions, financial limitation, or limited resources (someone we care about)

____ Physical limitations due to aging

____ Unwanted changes in appearance due to aging

____ Unwanted gain or loss of weight

____ Loss of hair

____ Loss of continence

____ Need long-term medication or medical treatment (us) \

____ Need long-term medication or medical treatment (someone we love)

____ Need long-term rehabilitation or physical therapy (us)

____ Need long-term rehabilitation or physical therapy (someone we love)

____ Need to alter routine due to medical problems or restrictions (us)

____ Need to alter routine due to medical problems or restrictions (someone we love)

____ Living with serious side effects from medication or medical treatment (us)

____ Living with serious side effects from medication or medical treatment (someone we love)

____ Significant long-term or permanent change in appearance from accident, illness, or injury

____ Loss of sexual activity in marriage or committed relationship (our ability or desire)

____ Loss of sexual activity in marriage or committed relationship (partner or spouse’s ability or desire)

____ Loss of ability to be sexual (us)

____ Loss of ability to be sexual (our partner or spouse)

____ Loss of sexual appeal (us)

____ Loss of sexual appeal (someone we love)

____ Sexually inadequate or dysfunctional (us)

____ Sexually inadequate or dysfunctional (someone we love)

____ Deprived of intimacy with friends or family members

____ Deprived of intimacy with spouse or romantic partner

____ Deprived of sexual activity (cannot find right partner)

____ Loss of trust in a marriage (we lost trust)

____ Loss of trust in a marriage (partner or spouse lost trust in us)

____ Loss of trust in any close relationship; including child (we lost trust)

____ Loss of trust in any close relationship, including child (other person lost trust in us)

____ Deprived of personal time with romantic partner or spouse

____ Deprived of personal time with child (minor or adult)

____ Deprived of personal time with friend, family member, or other loved one

____ Deprived of private time

____ Deprived of privacy

____ Depriving someone else of private time

____ Depriving someone else of privacy

____ Over isolating (us)

____ Over isolating (someone we love)

____ Bored (long-term) with spouse or romantic partner (us)

____ Spouse or romantic partner obviously bored with or disinterested in us

____ Not sharing interests or activities with spouse or partner, and it bothers us

____ Not sharing interests or activities with spouse or partner, and it bothers him or her

____ Feeling trapped in romantic relationship, marriage, or friendship

____ Spouse, partner, or friend feels trapped with us

____ Giving more than we’re receiving in a marriage and feeling drained by it

____ Giving more than we’re receiving in a romantic relationship and feeling drained

____ Giving more than we’re receiving in a friendship and feeling drained

____ Giving more than we’re receiving at work and feeling drained

____ Spouse or partner feels like he or she is giving more than he or she is receiving and feels drained by us

____ Friend feels like he or she is giving more than he or she is receiving and feels drained by us

____ Spouse, partner, child, or friend is extremely unhappy with life and his or her unhappiness affects us

____ Power balance is off in marriage or romantic partnership—we have more power than the other person

____ Power balance is off in marriage or romantic partnership – the other person has more power than us

____ Power balance is off in friendship—we have more power than the friend

____ Power balance is off in friendship—the friend has more power than us

____Power balance is off with our child—the child is controlling us (minor or adult child)

____ Spouse’s power balance is off with his or her child (the child is controlling him or her and it bothers us)

____ Spouse controlled or used by his or her ex-partner (ex-spouse or romantic)

____ Spouse’s ex-partner (ex-spousse or romantic) is interfering in our relationship with spouse or partner now

____We earn more than our spouse or partner, and it bothers us

____ We earn more than our spouse or partner, and it bothers him or her

____ Spouse or partner earns more than us, and it bothers us

____ Spouse or partner earns more than us, and it bothers him or her

____ Friends envious of us

____ We’re envious of friends

____ Spouse or romantic partner envious of us

____ We’re envious of spouse or romantic partner

____ Child envious of us

____ We’re envious of our child

____ Someone is behaving jealously with us

____ We’re behaving jealously with someone else

____ We owe someone money and we’re delaying paying it back (business)

____ We owe someone money and we’re delaying in paying it back (friend)

____ Friend owes us money and isn’t paying us back on time

____ Business or institution owes us money and isn’t timely in paying us or is cheating us

____ Being overcharged with no recourse (including interest rates)

____ Overcharging someone and not giving him or her recourse

____ Betrayal by someone we love

____ Betraying someone we love

____ Publicly embarrassed, humiliated, or shamed us

____ Publicly embarrassed, humiliated, or shamed (someone we love)

____ Desire romantic relationship but cannot find acceptable partner

____ Loss of ability to take part in hobby or sport we enjoyed

____ Loss of credit for work we actually did; someone else took credit for it

____ We took credit for work but didn’t do it

____ Feeling trapped or overextended with volunteer activities (us)

____ Feeling trapped or overextended with volunteer activities (someone we love)

____ Deprived of contact with nature

____ Deprived of sunshine

____ Deprived of favorite foods or other substances (sugar, fried foods, tobacco, chewing snuff, etc.) due to diet, health, or lifestyle restrictions

____ Sexual orientation not what we expected (us)

____ Sexual orientation not what we expected (someone we love)

____ Gender-identity issues (us)

____ Gender-identity issues (someone we love)

____ Sex change (us)

____ Sex change (someone we love)

____ Move into nursing home or special care facility (us)

____ Move into nursing home or special care facility (someone we love)

____ Deprived of social life

____ Loss of political freedom or political expression

____ Deprived of freedom of religious expression

____ Loss of transportation

____ Loss of ability to drive (age, physical, or legal restriction)

____ Loss of ability to fly airplane, operate motorcycle, etc.

____ Inadequate provisions for elderly years (us)

____ Inadequate provisions for elderly years (someone we love)

____ Confined to bed or housebound

____ Need wheelchair or walker for mobility

____ Need prosthesis for functioning

____ Loss of teeth (permanent teeth)

____ Loss of memory, mental acuity, and sharpness

____ Loss of freedom for any reason

____ Living alone (when used to living with people)

____ Living with people (when used to living alone)

____ Unwanted or extra house guests (spouse’s family, etc.)

____ Undesired family responsibilities (taking care of spouse’s family, etc.)

____ Loss of important person, such as hairdresser, doctor, minister, business associate, or employee

____ Loss of favorite or important place, such as park, restaurant, theater, church, or business due to closure, moving, or circumstance

____ Alternative lifestyle

____ Expatriate

____ Other:

Passages:

____ Transition from infancy and childhood to attending school

____ Change in schools

____ Graduation from school and entering workforce

____ Transition from childhood to adulthood

____ Marriage

____ Having children

____ Maturing (age twenty-eight through thirty-two)

____ Facing mortality

____ Role reversal—we’re taking care of our parents

____ Changes in technology industry, and jobs/workforce

____ Fashion trend changes

____ Menopause

____ Empty nest

____ Middle age

____ Old age

____ Retirement

____ Death

____ Cultural changes and cultural evolutions that cause us to feel displaced

____ Awakening or change in consciousness