Say when it’s either/or

A deadline is different from an ultimatum. Deadlines involve the use of time to get something done. Ultimatums use power.

Ultimatums involve two ideas: an either and an or. Use ultimatums sparingly in your life. Sometimes, however, an ultimatum is the only way to get a person’s attention.

Here are some examples: “Either you get sober and stop using drugs, or I’m going to put you in prison.” “Either you start working and stop drinking, or I’m going to take the children and leave.” “Either you show up for work on time, or I’m going to find someone else to do your job.”

Ideally, an ultimatum is not used to control the other person. It is an expression of our limits—a powerful way of indicating to the other person that we’re on the verge of screaming when.

Sometimes people use ultimatums as power plays. They use them to play on our fears, particularly our fear of abandonment: “Either you do what I want, or I’ll go away.” “Either you keep quiet and don’t confront my behavior, or I’ll get angry and punish you by being mad.” This may work for a while, but ultimately, it can backfire.

Don’t use ultimatums as power plays, or devices to control the people around you. Don’t let other people use ultimatums to control or manipulate you. Use them as last-ditch warning notices that you’re about to say when.

God, help me be aware of ultimatums, both the ones I dish out and the ones other people use on me.

Activity: Recall a few times people have used ultimatums on you. Did they work? Why or why not? Are you allowing someone to control you now with a spoken or unspoken ultimatum? What’s the either? What’s the or? Are you using or overusing ultimatums to control the behavior of the people around you? Be aware of the use of spoken and unspoken ultimatums in your life. Respect their power.

From the book: More Language of Letting Go

The post Say when it’s either/or appeared first on Melody Beattie.